That Time Mommy Ran Away

This really is a story about when I ran away. Don’t worry. I came back.

I went to sleep last night anticipating the three hours of Saturday morning I would get to focus on writing. Three hours of time wholly devoted to honing my craft, getting lost in words, spending time alone in the part of my creative mind so sadly neglected through out the week. Feet curled up underneath me, back to the couch, my lap top came to life on the coffee table next to my sweet cup of coffee bringing my brain to life. These days, my children are doing virtual school. The boy sits at the dinner table. The girl sits in the family room. I am jumping between the two, helping, encouraging and keeping everyone on focus. I wish I could sit and do work with them but my brain doesn’t work that way. Short snippets of focused writing is not my thing. I help them and wait for Wednesdays when the babysitter arrives to take over with school so I can get out.

Well, until now. She quit because of her own responsibilities. I don’t begrudge her having her own life. I support her doing what she needs to do. I can cheer for her while grieving for myself. I find myself yet again, looking for another babysitter.

I sat down Saturday morning to do my own writing. I was eagerly ready to get lost in the creative wilderness of my mind. Then my husband walked in the house from running an errand. He asked me if our daughter, Sarah, had been working on her two English assignments. She had not. I set my lap top aside, called her down and proceeded to help her get established working on her assignments. I was holding it together until she continued to act as if she had no idea how to write a paragraph expecting me to help pull her brain along and do the work for her.

Is it me or do kids act more helpless with moms than dads? I about lost it at that point. I silently got up to find Dan folding laundry. told him I was leaving. We needed dryer sheets and I needed a quick hair cut. Quick… that is what I told him. Don’t judge. I normally don’t lie. I was feeling a little crazy. I, was quite simply losing my mind at that moment. I needed to go out and calm down. I grabbed my keys and left.

I’m not proud of running away. I didn’t want my daughter to think she was the cause of my temporary mental break down. It wasn’t her fault. It was mine. She didn’t want to spend her Saturday morning doing school work either. She wanted to go get lost in her own imagination as well, to have her brain to herself for a while, no demands from the outside world.

When I came home two hours later, Dan and Sarah were playing Go Fish. After that, Sarah and I went ice skating and it was a fun afternoon. We stopped at Target for some much needed pajama pants and Starbucks then back home.

Being in a season when balance and structure can often be elusive is tough. It is one thing to know that this season with uncomfortable circumstances are difficult, but quite another to live it out.

For me, it is writing but for you it might be time to exercise, read a book, or do the job you are doing at home. The balance of wearing multiple hats at once means every once in a while, they will be in conflict. They might tumble to the floor. I love the article, From Panicked to Peaceful in the Joyful Life Magazine by Carina Alanson. Keeping all the things moving forward is hard. Being a mom and having a career is hard. For me, career is a ministry that means connecting with other people. I know the balance in what I give to others needs to be thought out so I don’t take from what I am able to give to my family.

Finding the rhythm for each day means starting it with purpose. I know I need time to mentally and emotionally prepare for the day.

When I spend the first portion of my day with God, the rest tends to go much more smoothly. Sometimes the circumstances are still just as chaotic but my reaction to them becomes a much gentler response.

I also know that God knows me. He saw me as worthy of sacrifice before I did. He sent His very own Son to save me. He knew it, He knows it, He won’t ever forget it and He is prepared to walk with me through it. My circumstances might change and rattle me but they don’t surprise God. He is always in tomorrow preparing the way. I just need to choose to follow.

Emotions are fickle, so are our circumstances. They change with the slightest breeze. God never changes. He is always present. We are never alone. I hate waking up early but thirty minutes with God, to meditate, stretch, pray, read my Bible or speak memorized verses helps me not be overcome with emotions or unexpected events.

I would love to hear from you. How can we support each other? How can I encourage you, pray for you? What works for you to manage your week? Quiet time, exercise, a set space just for you, a babysitter? Each season is different. Children grow and what they need changes. This year requires so many things we didn’t plan but we are made in God’s image and we have Him by our side. Tomorrow is a new day and with it, the chance to start again.