Unplanned

I’m curled up in my bed, President’s Day evening, mourning the day I desired but did not get. I had plans. Dan and the kids had the day off. I had a plan to get some stuff knocked off my to do list, nothing exciting but productive none the less. None of it happened.

I have a migraine. The head pain has come and gone through out the day but any form of talking or interacting with others today just aggravates the migraine brain fog. My stomach is messed up. My eyes are struggling to focus. I’m super frustrated. I hoped it would feel better but here I am at almost dinner time and the day I looked forward to is pretty much gone.

I want to make this into a big post about how this is what people deal with in having chronic illnesses, chronic pain, mental health struggles etc. I want to educate others about all of it, connect with people, do something, anything to be productive.

I just cant. I hurt. I’m frustrated. I feel sick and sad and resigned. I’m a writer. I wanted to work on my book today. I wanted to clean the bathrooms and tidy the clutter piles. I wanted to go on a walk with my daughter and my dogs because the so badly need it. Sarah needs time with her mommy and the dogs need a walk period.

You know what else? I want long hair. I want long mermaid hair but I can’t because it makes my hair follicles feel like they are on fire. How dumb is that? Long hair gives me migraines. Dairy gives me migraines. Alcohol gives me migraines. To much sugar, going on a long road trip, sleeping somewhere other than my bed, hormones, stress, rain, perfume, for the love of all things. I just want to have a normal life but when I have had a migraine interrupt my life to the point of impacting my work, my plans, my relationships, my job performance, it all feels a little bit… a lot overwhelming.

Dealing with ADHD, anxiety, migraines, life, seeing the look in someone’s eyes that might mean they think I am lazy. That is a huge insecurity. I work my rear end off when I am able because the not able times are never planned and never expected.

Like President’s Day when I get a bonus day with my family only I don’t because I’m in bed unable to even talk because the simple act of speaking makes my head hurt. Just waiting until I even felt better enough to look at a computer screen to type this out.

Why write this and share it while I am clearly not at 100%? Okay, it is a post about helping others understand because so many people deal with this kind of junk and have to put on a brave face which can cause intense feelings of being alone. I have my God. I know God, the creator of the universe, creator of me, father of Jesus Christ is with me and he is for me and he loves me. Sometimes we all would like to know there are some people out there that are with us too.

So, to my fellow migraine sufferers, mental health sufferers, or basic human beings struggling to make it through just one normal freaking day, you are not alone. You are so totally not alone. I want to break something with you, scream with you, fight with you and just lay in your quiet dark place with you. So from one cozy curled up dweller to another, peace that surpasses understanding and hope that defies reality. God loves you and I love you too.