Mental Health in 2020

A few years ago, I sat with a family who were just learning how to best help their loved one with a newly manifested mental health diagnoses. They had no previous experience with mental illness. Their new reality was an overwhelming unknown. I am so happy to say this family was open to learning and ready to support their loved one. The great thing is, we have a lot of resources available to us now. I love helping others. I have been in their position. Several people I love are dealing with significant mental illness which left me feeling helpless as to help them. I had to learn about my own mental health and the mental health of theirs. It is seriously what drove me to go to school and become a human service professional. I don’t like feeling helpless in the unknown and I love helping other people. Total win-win.

I would say that I am not an expert on mental health but heck with that. I am not a licensed professional and cannot diagnose people. But yeah, I’m calling myself an expert. It is 2020, I’m claiming my confidence in my years of experience with mental health. I have two degrees, and more than twenty years of experience learning and working with mental health.

So, speaking of mental health and 2020. It’s 2020. There are copious resources to help loved ones of people dealing with mental health to be supportive and helpful.

My favorites:

Dr Daniel Amen: Check out his website. Dr. Amen, a neurological-psychiatrist brilliantly breaks down the mystery of the brain for every day people to understand. I have several of his books which have helped me in my own journey as well as walk with others through theirs. He even has pictures of brain scans for those doubters who still need a little extra kick to understand that the brain is truly just another organ that has issues just like our heart or lungs or our stomach.

Dr Dan Siegel: He is a psychiatrist specializing in pediatrics. His website is also fantastic. He helped me through my parenting and guidance with my children. Mental health and illness is genetically a probability for my kids so helping them establish tools early has always been a goal for me.

American Psychological Association: For up to date resources to help yourself and your loved one, here are up to date resources.

Mental Health America: Here is another resource available to provide you with information to help you and your loved one. The great thing about this site and the APA is they can link us up with quality, factual and helpful resources. Sometimes a simple google search can take us down a really wonky rabbit hole leading us to feel more overwhelmed than prepared or informed.

Basically, there are a lot of resources. These ones listed are only some and they are ones that have been useful to me. One of your best resources is going to be the person you know who is diagnosed with a mental illness. Listen to them, ask how you can help them, ask them to share with you their experience. Every person is so different. Take ADHD for example. There are 7 different types of ADHD which range from inattentive which will be pretty calm and quiet people to the “Ring of Fire” people who deal with anger issues and mood control. The psychiatric community is currently working on renaming Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder to Executive Functioning Deficit Disorder. Part of this is to manage the stigma of an over-diagnoses problem and child labeling issues. ADDitude Magazine is also a great resource if that diagnoses is relevant.

If you made it this far into this blog post, then you are a great friend or family member so be encouraged by that. Below is a list of what to say and not to say as told to me by friends and family who I posed the questions to.

Things not to say…ever.

1. Lazy- This is hands down, bullying. It doesn’t matter who you are talking about, calling someone lazy is mean.
2. Try harder- Tell someone with asthma or COPD to run a mile in six minutes. Not ganna happen my friend.
3. Grow up- who says this? How cruel. This one made me mad. If someone is saying this, then they need to say it to themselves because that is not nice.
4. Just smile more- Y’all, this is not the 1950’s. America is actually the only country that is so obsessed with smiling. It is uncomfortable to be around someone who is always fake smiling. Seriously.
5. “Is that all?” This one, in the right context could be helpful I guess but it is just to sticky and it can devalue the struggles someone is going through. Mental illness decimates a person in every aspect of their life and can lead them on a spiral downwards. That is a lot.
6. You should or you need: These aren’t helpful for anyone. These two words, should and need puts yourself in the fixing position. It was actually part of my premarital counseling years ago. They aren’t great in any relationship. Often times, all someone needs is a listening supportive ear. I can say for myself that I have a ridiculous amount of knowledge on mental health as well as my migraines. I have doctors, therapists and resources. Here is an insane example that you can cringe or laugh at or both. I recently witnessed a person recommend in all seriousness that their love one get off all their medication and just do CBD (well, actually, pot, just smoke pot). Not saying I am against the medicinal benefits of marijuana but that is not helpful.
7. You never… This negates any past effort and trust me, those efforts matter
8. It’s not a big deal. Don’t say that. Just don’t say that.

Some positive things to say:

1. I don’t understand, but I want to.
2. I did research, can we talk about it?
3. Its okay to not be okay.
4. I love you on your bad days as much as your good.
5. Here is some chocolate.
6. “I’m here for you, how can I help.” Then follow through. He or she may not give you something to do but just knowing they are not alone helps.

Two more things. First, create a safe space. I hate that the term “safe space” is being run through the mud but its true. Just listening with respect, empathy, and no judgement is huge. You don’t need to say anything. Honestly, being humble and honest enough to say that you probably are going to say something stupid as you navigate and learn is fine. Allow your loved one to tell you when something wasn’t totally helpful so you don’t say it again to someone else. That is a total win-win.

Secondly or lastly, when you are not in a head space to handle someone else’s mental health because you are to tired, hungry, stressed, worn out etc and need to attend to your own mental health and self care, just be honest. Tell your adult child, spouse, friend, parent whoever, you need some time to attend to your own self care and set a specific time to get together again.

Whether you love someone dealing with mental health issues or are someone with a mental health illness, we are all trying to figure this out at the same time. I am praying these resources help you. Speaking of, helpful. Here are some things that have really really helped me; prayer and my Bible. Don’t tell someone to pray more or read their Bible more. Don’t be that person. You can, however, ask someone if you can pray with them. Maybe get a good Bible verse and make it into a Bible verse decorated on a note card. Be thoughtful and intentional, not judgemental or flippant.

Prayer and my Bible help me. Talking to God like I would talk to my best girl friends is life changing. He made me and knows me and loves me. My safest place is in my God’s arms.

Don’t worry about anything but in everything through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Then the peace of God that surpasses understanding will keep your heart and mind safe in Christ. Philippians 4:6-7

Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I fear no danger because you are with me. Your rod and your staff, they protect me. You set a table for me right in front of my enemies. Psalm 23