Confession Time: Talking about the hard stuff!

I don’t know about you, well, scratch that. I do know. I know this year was difficult and unexpected for all of us. How have you handled that? Can you look back and compare a theoretical what if discussion of how you would handle a year like this with how you did handle this year? Today, my friends, we are going there.

How many times have you had those fun conversations where we discuss how to survive a zombie apocalypse, a tsunami or aliens? Why did I just pick those three, I don’t know. They popped in my brain. I like to joke that if zombies do become real, I’m just gonna be zombie number four or something. I can’t run. I’m horrible when I’m hungry or tired. I mean, I seriously do not hold out hope for myself surviving something like that.

If a conversation though, like something similar to this past year came up, I would like to think that I would be super confident that I could handle it. I would have all the answers. I would rock the working from home and balancing all the things.

My friends. Confession time. I do not feel like I rocked this year. Period.

I figured back in March that this year I would be able to be strong, get tons of blog posts written, start the podcast and knock out at least two seasons by Christmas. I did neither of those. Well, I wrote blog posts and I did start the blog.

What this confession time is about is about wading through the feelings of failure and anxiety that comes from unmet expectations. Of those, I have tons. If you know me, that is not a secret. I’ve dealt with ADHD and anxiety and depressive episodes my whole adult life. There were times this year that I hid from opportunities paralyzed by anxiety and fear of failure and the unknown. I compared myself to amazing women in ministry and friends who seemed to plow through 2020 unhindered by this pandemic and all the junk that goes with it. Combining that with quarantine learning then virtual learning and physical distancing (I miss hugs) then the heart breaking hurt in the black community in America as well as our presidential election that had the maturity level only scene in hangry preschoolers, I felt like quitting my calling as a chaplain and a woman in ministry. I just couldn’t do it any more. I never read emails, usually delete them if I don’t have to read them. So having my work reduced to emails for six months broke me down. I thrive on connecting, loving, caring and listening to others. Being deprived of that was brutal.

I had moments I did not feel like I would come out the other side. Thank you Jesus, however, I have. I did not come out unscathed but I came out. Do you notice a theme in what I’ve said? I felt like a failure. I felt weak. I felt like I wouldn’t make it. If I have learned anything from my now 41 years of life is that feelings are not truth. They do not convey facts. While we need to listen to our feelings, we do not need to obey our feelings.

While I felt all kind of things, God was still working. He was still where I was not, working and being the Savior. He still worked in and through me despite how I was feeling.

I am always somewhat of a new year equals fresh start fan. I am excited to take the strengths I gained in 2020 and apply them to 2021. There was wisdom learned. There was strength, peace and truth that I will move forward with and I am so excited to see how God will apply all of it in my obedience to His plan for me and his plan for those I will encounter in 2021.

In fact, my word for 2021 is VICTORY. The battle has been won. The real working of saving salvation from the penalty of death because of sin has been done and Jesus has sat down at the right hand of our Father. So I choose to live in that rather than living like I am still trying to win it or work like my work is what will save me or anyone else. I don’t know what is before me but I know what is ultimately before is eternity with Jesus. My eyes are on him like Peter walking on water. The waves will come no doubt, but my faith is in Jesus.