Suicide hits close

I lost someone I care about to suicide this week. I was his chaplain. Everyone I spoke with shared what a loving, wise and compassionate person he was. No one knew he struggled. He didn’t share those struggles with me or the rest of the chaplain team. Like every single other person who has lost someone to suicide, I think back to every interaction looking for something I missed and wonder if there was anything I could do differently. I seriously think every human being goes there as they process suicide.

It seems timely that Pastors Kay and Rick Warren of Saddleback Church are leading in making November 17 International Survivors of Suicide Loss Day. They lost their son, Matthew to suicide. I can’t imagine losing my child to suicide. I’ve lost people to suicide but that seems particularly brutal. “In an interview with Piers Morgan after that fateful day, Pastor Rick said, “I never questioned my faith in God. I questioned God’s plan.” Many survivors have had similar questions. Some families are still reeling years after their tragic loss. But others, like the Warrens have decided to do something positive. The couple have become advocates discussing mental health and issues of suicide to the Body of Christ around the world.” God TV

I think suicide creates in a person the most warring emotions. You miss someone so painfully and want to wrap your arms around them and tell them you love them while wanting to hit them and be angry for being so selfish and causing so much pain. I have no idea why the man committed suicide. I know mental illness place a big part for a lot of people. Mental illness however, the kind that causes so an incredible depth of depression that the brain is so transformed that the act of suicide is considered a blessing to those who are left behind. The internal emotional, mental or physical anguish is so intense and I could never in a million years understand what it is like for someone to live in a day and night torture no one else can see.

I may not understand but it creates in me a deeper passion to make sure that every person I interact with knows that my life is better with them in it. I know for certain that my belief in Jesus Christ is both the foundation and the catalyst for everything I do, showing love and being vulnerable, even to the rejection from others. Helping even one person is often one of the reasons I am often so raw or TMI about my own struggles. I don’t have an anxiety disorder but I don’t need to in order to understand anxiety. Every person has the emotion of anxiety, so it shouldn’t be hard to imagine what it is like to live with it amped up 24-7. Empathy is being able to understand how others are feeling. Compassion is respecting that even if I do not understand it, I respect the person and respect that they are going through their own stuff and they do not need to justify it for me.

So, here I am trying to not feel like I failed one of the people I chaplain as I comfort the rest left behind. I have no idea right now why this caring ray of sunshine committed suicide. I may never know. Like Pastor Rick, I don’t question God, just his plan. I take comfort in God and the Bible knowing that my Creator is his Creator. God knows it all and He is holding it all in His hands.

To all of us who are here processing the loss of a friend or loved one to suicide, know that just as you wished the one you lost knew he or she wasn’t alone, neither are you. We are in this together. Rick and Kay are walking this journey. My friend and fellow chaplain, Pastor Jared Laskey shared this week about losing his brother.

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” Matthew 5:4

“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7